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GreenJuice
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« on: July 30, 2018, 03:58:39 PM »

Hi there,

Here I am again, looking to vent my frustrations.  I just feel like I cannot do this anymore. I just have no motivation to keep going and I find myself spending more days just lying in bed crying for a lot of the day.

My life has been completely turned upside by this.  I have had to move away to a completely different country to live with my parents when I had spent 15 years building a life in another country.

I'm grateful that I am able to stay with my parents but to be perfectly  honest, I just feel like I can't live with them anymore. I need my own space and they can be quite cynical about approaches I'm using about recovery. They're also very upbeat people and get very annoyed when I express any emotion other than being happy, so I just feel iike I cannot be around them at all the moment because I feel so low and I cannot tell them that I feel this way because they just don't deal well with any emotions being expressed well at all and it ends up making me feel worse.

I spent years training for a job that I was doing and although I loved it, it was very stressful.
I feel like ME is making me face up to this as I've always been terrible at dealing with stress and it's making me choose a different path in life but I feel so bewildered as to which path to take. I know that in order for me to move forward I need to find a way to deal with stress but I just can't seem to do it and I'm trapped in this vicious cycle of insomnia and anxiety. And of course we all know how terrible this is with ME because it only make your symptoms worse and the variety of things that you can do to make yourself feel better is next to nothing.

I feel like I am trapped in this massive nightmare with no end, being forced to live in a place that I just could not wait to leave the moment I turned 18 and there is just no end in sight.  Even when I am better I will still probably have to stay in this house and this city and get a job here because I'm scared that if I move back to living where I was when I became Ill that I will become ill once more but all I want is to go back to the place I was living before which I would actually call my real home and see my friends again and just be me again.

I feel iike I have reached breaking point and I don't know how to move forward from this. I find myself just lying and staring at walls because I have no motivation to do anything at all whatsoever.

I'm starting to think about suicide because often I just think that I am not cut out for this world. I'm too sensitive and I'm not tough enough which is why I have become Ill and I just struggle to see a future for myself.

Any advice on how to cope with this greatly appreciated.

Thanks x


« Last Edit: July 30, 2018, 04:09:55 PM by GreenJuice » Logged
roger
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« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2018, 04:18:58 PM »

Hi Green juice,

Many people here will strongly relate to what you've expressed, including me though that was a long time ago.

Is it possible that your biggest issue at the moment is being conflicted - not wanting your current situation but fearing your previous one? Being conflicted like that is incredibly draining and demotivating. If this IS the case, the first thing is to accept where you are right now and to be philosophical about it, while maintaining a belief that there IS a suitable way forward and that you'll find it - that will usually relieve some of the pressure you're under and provide some much needed hope for the future.

Then, perhaps, consider ALL your options and make pros and cons lists being totally honest with yourself - this can clarify your thinking process.

But the bottom line is that there is no quick fix for CFS/ME, but you CAN recover once you decide that you will. Then the planning has to start. My personal approach is outlined on this forum but I don't know whether or not it will help YOU. But if it doesn't, something else will - you just have to find it.

Whatever, never give up. There IS a way forward and you CAN get your life back. It might not be the one you had before, but it can still be a good one.

For now though, I think you need a bloody big  hug
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chill
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« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2018, 05:58:33 PM »

greenjuice my friend, i feel exactly what you are feeling, i have felt it before and i feel it agian now, but what i will day to you is that it WILL get better, you dont feel that it will at the moment, and me saying it will probably annoys you a little, know, i have been there, but you just have to trust me on this one, it will get better, maybe not soon, but it will.  Thise thoughts you are having, they are not yours, they are this illness creating them and making you think they are yours, fight them, fight it, you can, you really can.

It must be so so hard having to move back with your parents when you have built a life for yourself, but you can rebuild that life, i have done it countless times and am having to do it again now, i completely understand your despair, i feel that despair, but it is not permanent, nothing in life is, so hold on, ride the wave and i promise that sooner or later you will get to the shore, you will, believe it.  I know its hard to believe it when all there seems to be is this pain, i do, and i know how annoying it can be when people say what i am saying, when all you really want to do is curl up in a corner and forget you exist, but you do exist, and that is amazing, hold on to that.

I come on the forum every day as i know several other members do and i will check back on your thread, we are here for you.

chill x
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chill
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2018, 07:19:00 AM »

How are you today Greenjuice?  Apologies for the spelling mistakes in my post above!! my new medication gives me blurry eyes and i did not spot them yesterday!!! but you get the gist!! Will pop on to the forum today when i can so post if you need to and know you have support.
chill
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GreenJuice
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« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2018, 04:12:50 PM »

Thanks Chill & Roger so much for taking the time to reply to my message. I'm sorry it has taking a while to get back to you. It really does help just having people who understand and your positive words of encouragement really helped me too.

Chill- I am so sorry that you are feeling the same way. There just aren't enough words to describe how awful this illness is.

I'm feeling a wee bit better than I was last week but it is still very up and down and maybe I just need to accept that is the way it's going to be.  It seems that in order to recover I'm going to have to make peace with where I am at the moment even if it's a million miles from where I want to be and I guess I'll have to do some work on accepting that.

I've just purchased The Power of Now audiobook.

I came across this quote recently which also helps:
'Sometimes when you're in a dark place and you think you've been buried, you've actually been planted', Maya Angelou.

I think spiritual growth is the only way forward for me. I just need to keep plugging away it - I already meditate every day, but sometimes I don't think I'm really meditating - just spacing out perhaps (!).

Roger-I can't seem to find your recovery advice, where about's is it? Also, did you manage to get in control of your emotions during recovery or was it more up and down? (I'm trying to work out how much this is impacting my recovery).

Thanks again for both your support and the big hug was much appreciated.  hug xx
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roger
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« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2018, 05:34:53 PM »

Hi again Greenjuice, I’m glad you came back. We’re not miracle workers, but we’ve all been where you were the other day and we want to help you find a better place as much as we can.

First, that’s a BRILLIANT quote – a much better way to say ‘the darkness before the dawn’. I’ve never seen it before so thanks for posting it – I’m sure it’ll help a lot of people.

Acceptance of and making peace with where you are at the moment is the first step towards not being there, so I’m glad you twigged to that one  thumbsup

And, yes, reaching out spiritually can be tremendously powerful. Until they’ve been doing it for a long time, nobody’s quite sure whether or not they’re meditating correctly. But don’t worry about that. If, even for a very short period, you can clear your mind of ‘negative chatter’, you’re on the right track. When you can ‘empty’ your mind completely, again even for a short period, you’ve cracked it – the more you do it the better you get, so please don’t get disheartened if you have a few rubbish sessions.

My recovery is the ‘Roger’s route to recovery’ board. Here’s a link - http://forum.chronicfatiguesyndrome.me.uk/index.php/board,79.0.html . If you want to try it, please read the ‘introduction’ thread first, which I hope will give you an idea as to whether or not you think the rest might be helpful. Then there’s a suggested order of reading – the first thread on the board. It’s really an extension of my posts in the mind/body interactions board, which I wrote years ago. That's here -  http://forum.chronicfatiguesyndrome.me.uk/index.php/board,49.0.html .

I’m glad you’re feeling ‘a wee bit better today’. In the early stages CFS is all about one step forward and two steps back, then it becomes two forward and one back, then three forward and one back, and so it goes on. Look out for the small improvements and celebrate them as a further step towards wellness!

Best wishes – I’m glad you liked the hug - here’s another one  hug  smile

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chill
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« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2018, 08:44:28 AM »

Hi Greenjuice

sorry, i have only just seen your reply, had a rough weekend pain wise so have been in bed!  I am glad you are feeling a little more positive.  I too have just bought audiobook "the power of now".  I got to the second chapter and what he said was making so much sense and felt so profoundly "about me" that i had to order the paper version too so that i can highlight and annotate it!  I think it will really help us.  I love the quote, it speaks to me about "starting again", a new life so to speak, and i think this illness really forces you to look at your life and figure out what you can do to change for the better, or plant yourself metaphorically!! Thanks for sharing it.  At the end of the day we all just have to take it one day at a time, there will be bad ones and good ones and i agree with you that acceptance of that it the beginning of getting better, once we stop resisting what is and accept it we will have more energy to put in to your wellness and soon we will be able to take it two days at a time...then three....etc, hopefully! Take care.
chill
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