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Author Topic: Acceptance, forgiveness and letting go  (Read 12709 times)
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Lucinda
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« Reply #25 on: February 28, 2011, 10:23:57 PM »

Whether forgiveness helps with ME or not, it is important for our well being, so therefore it is an important thing to focus on.

I think one of my main issues has been not telling people about things. In fact I often don't even allow myself to think about certain stuff, never mind say anything, as I don't wanna face the confusion trying to understand stuff, and the overwhelming emotions.

So I think anyone else like me needs to focus most of all on learning to talk. To find someone to talk to about their painful stuff. Someone you 100% trust will be sensitive and understand and who will not go gossiping to others about what you said. Either someone you know or some sort of therapist. I found someone I trusted, and I was amazed how much lighter some of my burdens were after actually talking about them.

And yes, all of what you said we learn in Buddhism, Rog. Though as you say, you can learn this with or without religion. I have learned it with religion. 
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roger
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« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2011, 07:30:33 AM »

Yes, Luc, I agree (AGAIN!!!  Smiley), that some people need talking therapy, whether via a professional or a trusted friend. It's down to the individual to decide whether that's the case.

And, yes, these things are discussed in detail in Buddhism and, I think, in all other religions - Christianity .... love your enemy etc. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with religion at its root, but so often the branches don't develop as was intended, and that's down to we mere mortals screwing things up as usual.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2011, 09:12:55 AM by roger » Logged

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Lucinda
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« Reply #27 on: March 01, 2011, 01:39:21 PM »

Quote
we mere mortals screwing things up as usual

It isn't easy being human! I often think that, esp when I screw up.

I'm reading Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh at the moment, and it very much address' the stuff talked about here. I suppose the only real difference is the addition of using mindfulness and meditation to help with past issues.

Using mindfulness in particular when uncomfortable past memories come up. So instead of reacting by pushing them back down again, really allow them to come to the surface of your mind and be with them. Breathe and feel the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Accept that this is your hurt inner child, and it wants to be listened to. Practice mindfulness of anger, or pain, or whatever. This just means being with the emotion and accepting it and maybe just focusing on your breathing for a while to keep yourself present.

I'm going to try practicing this myself.
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roger
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« Reply #28 on: March 01, 2011, 01:41:50 PM »

Using mindfulness in particular when uncomfortable past memories come up. So instead of reacting by pushing them back down again, really allow them to come to the surface of your mind and be with them. Breathe and feel the anger, the hurt, the confusion. Accept that this is your hurt inner child, and it wants to be listened to. Practice mindfulness of anger, or pain, or whatever. This just means being with the emotion and accepting it and maybe just focusing on your breathing for a while to keep yourself present.


Brilliant!!!
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Herblore
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« Reply #29 on: June 27, 2011, 06:14:06 PM »

And, yes, these things are discussed in detail in Buddhism and, I think, in all other religions - Christianity .... love your enemy etc. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with religion at its root, but so often the branches don't develop as was intended, and that's down to we mere mortals screwing things up as usual.

Well said! I was listening to a CD on Mindfulness today from my Counselling module and the practitioner told a story. He described the Buddha as a shit stick, and what he meant is that the Buddha encompases everything, even the dark side. He said it's like the Jungian theory of embracing everything. I've been reading one of Jung's books and some of his visions and dreams were pretty dark but he learnt as much from them as from the lighter ones.

I think religous doctrine has tried to make religions so sterile that they're out of reach because, the church especially, wanted people to have to go through them. They effectively removed the historical Jesus and replaced him as a God, that we feel we can never approach or be like, but Jesus said 'You can do everything I do and more' and he said 'You are gods!'

I think we're more able to accept and forgive ourselves and others when we realise that our reigious Avatars were human too, and struggled like us, yet did and said amazing things. Otherwise we're striving for an impossible ideal.

Even those who don't believe in God can learn from the wise teachings because they come from simply humans.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2011, 04:11:15 PM by Herblore » Logged

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roger
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« Reply #30 on: August 18, 2011, 07:00:14 AM »

Being bitter about life can make you unhealthy

Bitterness about others and the world in general can make you physically ill, researchers have discovered.

A sense of failure – usually accompanied by feelings of anger and recrimination – often lies at the heart of a sense of bitterness, researchers from Concordia University have found – and this can be toxic enough to cause physical illness.

Lead researcher Carsten Wrosh says: “When harboured for a long time, bitterness may forecast patterns of biological dysregulation and physical disease.”

Forgiveness is the best way to break the constant feeling of bitterness, he says.

(Source: Concordia University, August 9, 2011).
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boogle91
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« Reply #31 on: September 03, 2011, 08:48:49 PM »

Thats why i am struggling, because i cant feget the past :( or forgive myself

Jo

Xox
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roger
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« Reply #32 on: September 04, 2011, 06:52:43 AM »

D'you know specifically what it is you need to forgive yourself for, jo? If so, can you do anything to resolve the issue?

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« Reply #33 on: September 04, 2011, 12:18:46 PM »

I went off the rails when i was 16, got in with the wrong crowd and ended up hurting everyone! Me and my family are really close so it did hurt, but they have forgiven me ill just never be able to forgive myself for what i did. Everything they have been through they have done for me and i did that :( i really hate myself for it. But i never forget how they stood by me, even though i was so horrible they could of just turned there backs to me but they didnt.

Jo

Xox
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roger
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« Reply #34 on: September 04, 2011, 12:28:48 PM »

Have you told them what you've said here, Jo? Have you told them how much you appreciate how they stood by you? Have you expressed your shame and regret to them? Have you told them how much you love & respect them? Have you told them how grateful you are for the way they reacted at that time?

If not, maybe it'd be a good idea to do so. And having done so, maybe you could write yourself a letter saying how you feel, saying how much you regret the past, but also saying that you're a different person now and that the past is the past and that, now, you can make any amends you feel appropriate. Say that feeling how you do right now is simply holding back your potential to be the person you really are, the person you want to be and know you are capable of being.

Sorry,this got a bit preachy, but I hope you got the idea. Holding on to a negative past spoils the potential for a positive future - and how is that going to help you or anyone else?
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boogle91
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« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2011, 02:46:43 PM »

Its okehs dw, i have they know how i feel. They know i was misguided by people i shudnt have been, i just cant get over it. I try everyday to do thngs for them, id cook for them but i know they wobt like my cooking lol my dads words would be "what the hells happened to my dinner" lol with a grin on his face. I know its not going to help me, im stubborn that way :/ so much has happened in my life i just wish i was a different person, but i wouldnt change my family for the world!

Jo

Xox
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roger
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« Reply #36 on: September 04, 2011, 02:57:02 PM »

All I can do is suggest that you think about it then, Jo. It's not helping your family, it's not helping you and it's not helping anyone. If you could find a way, it'd help you all, including your family. And you want that, don't you.
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countrylass
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« Reply #37 on: November 28, 2011, 08:23:54 PM »

I've just been reading through these posts and thought I'd add my experience just in case it helps anyone.

Like many people with CFS I was a person who never said no, loved solving problems and spent as much time as possible striding up and down mountains or eating up the miles of the coastal path. I was never satisfied, always thinking I could do better. Then along came Fibromyalgia then CFS. I fought it for a long long time, making myself very ill.

A few months ago I started CBT for my depression and it's the first time I have been willing to open up completely. This is due in a large part to the fact that I actually think the guy knows what he's talking about but it is also acceptance of the fact that you can't hide things away, they keep coming back.

I am so much more accepting of myself now. I can say with complete honesty that I am a nice person and that other people's behaviour toward me in the past has actually been their problem, not mine. 

I am also learning that to do things slowly and one at a time actually gives me more satisfaction. I don't need to climb mountains anymore or spend all day sorting out other peoples problems, they still love me.

My journey along this path has only just started but I am a clamer, happier person already. It hasn't altered my symptoms, in fact they are pretty bad but I accept them now which is giving me a much better quality of life.

Not sure if any of this makes sense now I read it back, but I do know that for me, peace has come with acceptance.















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oldshoremore
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« Reply #38 on: November 28, 2011, 08:54:38 PM »

Thanks for posting that CL,

 iagree

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roger
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« Reply #39 on: November 29, 2011, 06:59:57 AM »

It DOES make sense, CL, and for anyone prepared to listen and act, it WILL help - thanks for posting.
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Blue Fairy
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« Reply #40 on: November 29, 2011, 08:30:13 PM »

Thank you for posting this CL, I can really relate to this.

I've spent a lot of time working on my issues in the past, but I think with the busy life I was leading before I got ill I neglected myself a bit. I have learnt so much about myself and sorted out so much more stuff since I've been ill.

I too feel happier and more at peace, although old habits die hard and I do have periods where I forget what I've learnt. For me as well it has not resulted in a change in symptoms- I am mostly housebound at the moment, but it does make a difference to my quality of life if I can be happy despite my illness.
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Anne56
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« Reply #41 on: January 16, 2014, 03:03:28 PM »

thank you for posting this Roger. Your comments encompass everything I believe. I realise I need to work on forgiveness.

 c017
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roger
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« Reply #42 on: January 16, 2014, 04:00:45 PM »

I realise I need to work on forgiveness.

Hi Anne,

Maybe the key is to understand that it’s YOU who’s being hurt if unable to forgive someone, NOT the person you can’t forgive. It’s very possible that a) they don’t know they hurt you or b) they do know and don’t give a damn.

I absolutely believe that an unwillingness or inability to forgive can cause or substantially contribute to many if not all diseases.
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Anne56
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« Reply #43 on: January 18, 2014, 02:41:03 PM »

Hi Roger,

I agree. I have read a lot of books on Forgiveness; mainly Buddhist and am working on it. I am in the process of reading your past posts which I find very useful and insightful.

Thanks.
Anne.
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roger
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« Reply #44 on: January 18, 2014, 03:03:31 PM »

Thanks Anne - if you need any clarifications, let me know.
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« Reply #45 on: March 07, 2014, 11:43:03 AM »

This was good to read...thank you Roger for posting and everyone else for sharing.

My brain is worn out today so I think I will ruminate on this and come back.  It all makes a lot of sense to me. 

I cant help wondering why so many of these helpful posts are so old.  Is this forum not used as much as it was?
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Anne56
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« Reply #46 on: July 09, 2018, 11:28:59 AM »

I have just read your thoughts on this and completely agree. Your ideas are what Buddhism teaches and I have found meditation and mindfulness (which is all about being in the present) so helpful on my journey. Echart Tolle's 'The Power of Now's should be taught in schools. He explains how  we can live in the present more instead of always living in the past and the future.
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roger
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« Reply #47 on: July 09, 2018, 11:31:53 AM »

Thanks, Anne.
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